When Words and Actions Don't Match
When Words and Actions Don't Match: Meeting the Misalignment with Clarity
When your partner’s words and actions do not match, something deep inside you stirs. It’s often subtle at first—a sense of unease, a whisper of confusion. Over time, that whisper becomes a knowing: what you’re being told is not what’s being shown. The disconnect can feel like betrayal, even when it’s small. And while anger is a natural emotional response, staying in anger keeps you trapped. The real power lies not in rage, but in clarity.
When someone’s words and actions don’t align, it signals an incoherence in their inner world. Maybe they’re struggling with fear, avoidance, guilt, or control. Maybe they want to be who they say they are, but can’t quite embody it yet. Or maybe, more painfully, they’re using words to maintain comfort while avoiding the truth. Either way, this inconsistency isn't just about them—it becomes an invitation for you. Not an invitation to fix them, but to return to yourself. To ask: “What do I know is true? What am I choosing to tolerate? What part of me still hopes they’ll change through promises rather than proof?”
What this is not: it’s not your job to decode, explain, or rescue someone from their own dishonesty or confusion. It is not love to sacrifice your emotional safety in the name of someone’s potential. It is not wisdom to shrink your needs just to maintain harmony. You are not unreasonable for wanting alignment—you are intuitive.
What this is: it is your opportunity to get honest with yourself. To honour the dissonance you feel. To witness not only their inconsistency, but your own. Are you saying you want honesty, but staying in a cycle of false hope? Are you asking for clarity, but avoiding the consequences of seeing clearly? This moment is a mirror—for them, yes, but also for you.
From a love perspective, true love grows in truth, not illusion. Love requires safety. And safety comes from consistency. Words mean little if they’re not embodied. If you find yourself feeling confused in love, that’s your nervous system responding to inconsistency. That’s not you being needy or dramatic—that’s your heart seeking grounding. Love does not ask you to abandon your truth to maintain connection. In fact, real love gets stronger when it is honest.
From a psychotherapy perspective, chronic misalignment between what is said and what is done can activate attachment wounds. It might mirror a dynamic from childhood, where someone promised safety but acted in ways that felt unsafe. This can lead to a trauma bond—where you crave closeness from the same person who causes confusion. Therapy helps you differentiate between love and familiarity, between care and inconsistency. It teaches you to trust your felt sense, to set boundaries, and to choose relationships that support your emotional integrity.
From a soul perspective, you are being asked to honour your own alignment. The soul values truth over comfort. When a partner is misaligned, it’s often your soul saying: “Look again. Look deeper. Don’t betray your knowing.” Sometimes, this moment is a spiritual initiation—the moment you stop outsourcing your peace to someone else's potential. The soul doesn’t seek perfect people. It seeks real, resonant connection. If someone cannot meet you there, your soul will nudge you toward something higher, even if it hurts.
From a quantum science perspective, coherence matters. When a person speaks one frequency but acts another, the field becomes chaotic. You feel it in your body. Your heart’s electromagnetic field becomes disturbed by the inconsistency. The data doesn’t lie: when someone is congruent, you feel safe. When they are not, your system enters subtle fight-or-flight. This isn’t imagined—it’s energetic misalignment. And over time, that has emotional and physical consequences. So tuning into this misalignment is a form of wisdom, not weakness.
From a personal perspective, when you face this misalignment, you are meeting your own boundary. You are learning to choose clarity over confusion, truth over fantasy, self-respect over waiting. You are reclaiming your voice, your body, your inner knowing. It’s okay to grieve the gap between who someone says they are and who they show themselves to be. But don’t get stuck there. Feel it fully, then move forward in truth. Let your integrity lead.
A powerful tool for healing this misalignment is conscious ownership. Instead of remaining in blame, reframe your anger by bringing it back to yourself—not as guilt, but as empowerment. For example, you might say, “I’m angry with you because you didn’t call the kids to say goodnight while you were away.” When you play that back as a reflection, it becomes: “I’m angry with myself because I wasn’t clear in my communication that when you’re away, I would like to request that you check in with the kids. I need the security of knowing we matter to you.” This reframing shifts you from powerless frustration to empowered clarity. It’s not about taking the blame—it’s about taking the lead in expressing your needs in a way that invites connection rather than conflict.
Here’s a 6-step exercise to support you when you’re facing this kind of misalignment:
Pause and Breathe – Sit with the discomfort instead of reacting. Notice what you feel in your body. Confusion, tension, heaviness? Let it rise. Your body knows.
Write the Evidence – Without judgment or story, list what they’ve said and what they’ve done. Compare. Let the facts speak.
Own Your Knowing – Ask yourself: “What do I know is true here, even if I wish it weren’t?” Say it out loud. Feel the relief in truth.
Reframe the Anger – Turn your “I’m angry with you” into “I’m angry with myself because…” and uncover where your unmet needs lie. Then express those needs calmly and clearly.
Set an Inner Boundary – Decide what you will no longer ignore. Choose to honour what you feel over what you’re told. That is a boundary.
Act From Integrity – Have the honest conversation. Ask for alignment. If it doesn’t come, give yourself permission to walk away with love and clarity.
When someone’s words and actions do not match, it’s not just a problem in the relationship—it’s a message to your soul. A call to come back to your own truth. Let the misalignment wake you, not break you. Let it clarify what you will and will not allow. And let your next step—whether it’s a conversation, a boundary, or a goodbye—be a reflection of the integrity you are choosing to live by now.
Lots of love always,
Nicoline C Walsh
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